Dear CEO of Human Body Corporation:
Congratulations on the promotion! Glad you made it up there with the big ones. By the way, I read the text you sent me, and I can't believe you are considering firing my System, The Circulatory System! I mean, come on, man, we go back ages and ages ago. You can't fire me. Remember third grade, when you wet your pants at the school play? Remember I stood up for you when everyone else was laughing at 'Pee-Pee Pants'? I mean, this is an outrage! It's a crime against cell-kind! I think that promotion weakened your memory, because I have a feeling you have forgotten what we do down at office 450,983, 574.0000001. I think it's time for me to refresh it for you. Let me remind you what we do down here: We bring you the diamond of life: oxygen, we bring you your workers food on little silver platters all dressed up in fancy garnish, and (since for anonymous reasons we couldn't afford pluming) we clean up the work area and get rid off that horrible intoxicating carbon dioxide. You listen to me, pal, you need a personal, serious reminder off what could happen if you fire us. Firing us is worse than Hitler coming to America to have British tea, then blowing us to nuclear smithereens, so you listen to what I have to tell you...
Let's start with the fact that we deliver you your precious, precious, diamonds-would-be-cheaper-than-this Oxygen, or O2. You and I both know that you are no idiot, I personally saw you get those straight A+'s in class year, after year, after year, after year, so I can rightfully say that you know as well as I do that our workers need O2 like you need at least a good cup of Jo that is equal to 12 cups of Decaff in the morning. Well, if I may have you recall, my men (and women) are working hard to deliver as much of the stuff as they can. Fire them, and no one will get any at all. In fact, they'd drop down dead at your feet within... oh, let's say, 5 seconds.
Remember what happened to Jimmy? I bet you do. He died within a matter of seconds because he refused to be a good cell and take his O2 because he was to busy. Horrible, right? Well, imagine everyone, EVERYONE, dieing like that on the job. That would cause, little by little, the systems, to crash, causing the strong support we promise other workers to crumble, causing the stock market to crash, which would put us in a great depression, and by that time we'd be up to our necks in unpayable debts. We don't want that to happen, right?
Just out of curiosity and completely off topic, are you hungry? What do you do when you want food? You ring the food service bell, right? Then some cute waitress comes in, takes your order, then in 15 seconds, she's back with your Big Mac, right? Well, without the Circulatory system watching your back it's bye bye to big, warm, buttery buns, juicy beef, mayo, mustard, ketchup , the crunchy pickle chips, and cold lettuce (I'm describing the burger if you're wondering). Along with delivering you O2, we deliver you your food. Mind you, we put a lot off work into bringing it to you on those little silver platters you like with the garnish. You convert that food into the key ingredient in making a sweet success (other than sugar): energy. Without energy, you are like a sack of mashed potatoes: soggy, moldy, disgusting, and useless. Also, we give the bone cells their calcium, so if we hit the pavement and get fired, this magnificent body that we try so hard to maintain would come crumbling down on our heads. You and the other cells would be rolling on the floor, starving, dieing, crying for us to come back, if you live that long. In other words, you absolutely can not live without food. So if you fire us, who's going to feed you?
It's time to talk dark
We know from 7th grade science class at the Cell Middle School that we cell can't use every thing we get 100%. We can use maybe 99% of what we get, but that little bothersome 1% always gets in the way. That little 1% is usually CO2, or Carbon Dioxide. Remember when we fed a guinea pig in that class some CO2? It shriveled up like a dead frog on a hot, humid summer day. We cells usually leave it where it is when we get it out of our organelles, which is usually on the floor. remember when Ricky stepped in some last week? We were lucky he was saved just in time. Well, my point is that we clean up those pesky little chemical wastes. Sure, it may be a dirty job, but if no one did it, the chemicals would pile up, it would tear into the tissue, mutate into a virus, or a new bacteria, and it would destroy this powerful civilization we have built. It would rip holes in our defenses, its chemicals seeping into other tissues. The intoxicated tissues would join forces and attack with its greatest weapons: diseases, a good lawyer, and Geico. Let us stay and we'll make sure that never happens, ever.
Firing me would mean the end of life a you know it, for life will plummet as if it were a bird shot from the air. Remember, we supply you with lovely oxygen, we serve you you food, and we fight the scum and wash the dirt and filth away. If this is over the fact I kicked your butt in poker last week, then go see a psychiatrist. You know me, Ronny, I never try to hard to gloat, it just comes out. Listen, if you want to fire some one, fire the janitor stationed on floor 625, he's been lying down on the job with some of my waitresses. I know the taxes are hard, your wife left you (not really any regret there), and now that you're forty your back hurts whenever you bend down, but I'm asking/telling you, do you really want to be some rotting, starving, half- dead zombie who's searching for a Ex-president George Bush fan club? Give me a text when you get this, okay?
We know from 7th grade science class at the Cell Middle School that we cell can't use every thing we get 100%. We can use maybe 99% of what we get, but that little bothersome 1% always gets in the way. That little 1% is usually CO2, or Carbon Dioxide. Remember when we fed a guinea pig in that class some CO2? It shriveled up like a dead frog on a hot, humid summer day. We cells usually leave it where it is when we get it out of our organelles, which is usually on the floor. remember when Ricky stepped in some last week? We were lucky he was saved just in time. Well, my point is that we clean up those pesky little chemical wastes. Sure, it may be a dirty job, but if no one did it, the chemicals would pile up, it would tear into the tissue, mutate into a virus, or a new bacteria, and it would destroy this powerful civilization we have built. It would rip holes in our defenses, its chemicals seeping into other tissues. The intoxicated tissues would join forces and attack with its greatest weapons: diseases, a good lawyer, and Geico. Let us stay and we'll make sure that never happens, ever.
Firing me would mean the end of life a you know it, for life will plummet as if it were a bird shot from the air. Remember, we supply you with lovely oxygen, we serve you you food, and we fight the scum and wash the dirt and filth away. If this is over the fact I kicked your butt in poker last week, then go see a psychiatrist. You know me, Ronny, I never try to hard to gloat, it just comes out. Listen, if you want to fire some one, fire the janitor stationed on floor 625, he's been lying down on the job with some of my waitresses. I know the taxes are hard, your wife left you (not really any regret there), and now that you're forty your back hurts whenever you bend down, but I'm asking/telling you, do you really want to be some rotting, starving, half- dead zombie who's searching for a Ex-president George Bush fan club? Give me a text when you get this, okay?
Sincerely hoping you don't fire me but the Janitor instead,
Dr. Johnson Heartthrob
Representative of
the Circulatory System
(also a very good looking guy)
Dr. Johnson Heartthrob
Representative of
the Circulatory System
(also a very good looking guy)
